I Can't Cry Hard Enough
by shinigami82
Summary: Heero regretted himself for not telling his true feelings to Duo. And it was too late for him since Duo had died. (1+2, shounen ai hint)


I Can't Cry Hard Enough  
  
By: Shinigami82  
  
I'm gonna leave my life  
  
Like everyday's the last  
  
Without a simple goodbye  
  
And all goes by so fast  
  
Heero is locking himself up in his dark bedroom. He is sitting on the edge of his bed. Looking really depressed, he is examining the picture of him and his long braided 'baka', Duo. He looked very happy when he was in his life. Brighten up his days. He smiled once. Yet now, he's already forgotten how to smile. He doesn't know what he smiles for now. Someone that used to make him smile has gone. He felt happiness only when Duo was around. He was the one that made his whole life meaningful. Duo had changed his soul. Duo made him realize what his whole life was really truly about. Heero pulled up one end of his lips, slightly smiling. Remembering what Duo has done to his inner self that he believed as a 'perfect soldier'. He broke that image. Heero had fallen for him.  
  
And now that you're gone  
  
I can't cry hard enough  
  
No I can't cry hard enough  
  
For you to hear me now  
  
A single tear is falling down his left cheek. His heart feels like broken into a million pieces. He's crying silently in his room. He could never imagine himself crying like a baby. Especially when people stamped him as a 'perfect soldier'. A soldier does not cry. He assures himself. Although, he can't think of anything else except for that American joker. 'Where is he when I need him?' he asks himself. He wipes away his tears and think back when his days were full of Duo.  
  
"Heero~kun!!! Stop typing the report for now, will ya? And come with me to the shopping mall! And we can have lunch and we're going to find a present for Quatre and…." Duo used to drag Heero around to accompany him everywhere he went. No matter what he's doing when Duo asked him. He was always wanted to be with Heero. That was how big his love to Heero. But Heero didn't seem to realize that everybody's death is unexpected. He was kinda annoyed of Duo's appearance sometimes.  
  
"I HAVE to do this, NOW!!!" Heero used to yell at him and refused to go anywhere if he's in the middle of making the report or any kind of work he had to do. But Duo never seemed to mind, he never seemed to be angry because he was being yelled at. Instead, he'd say;  
  
"Allright, maybe next time, ne?"  
  
Gonna open my eyes  
  
And see for the first time  
  
I've let go of you like…  
  
A child letting go of his kite  
  
Still clear for Heero when Duo kissed him passionately for the first time. Heero felt disgusted, pushed him away and got angry. But he couldn't deny how good the kiss felt to him, he couldn't stop thinking about it. The second time Duo did it, Heero didn't push him away and accept the kiss. Believe it or not the kiss led them to Duo's bedroom. He couldn't lie to himself about his feelings to Duo. Once they got to know each other better, their relationship became closer than ever. Their moments are sacred to them.  
  
There it goes…  
  
Up in the sky  
  
There it goes…  
  
Beyond the clouds  
  
For no reason why  
  
Thinking back, Heero feels like torturing himself, eating his own heart out. Things he said to Duo. He knows it's too late to say 'I'm sorry'. Duo's gone. Now he's cold and lonely. He was hoping to go on without him, yet he's still holding on to the memories he had with Duo. He is chained completely to him. He figured he wouldn't be able to fly as free as a bird. He is trapped in his very own cage of misery. No one can let him out. Because Duo has the key, the key to his freedom and happiness. He lets the tears running down his cheeks once again. Heero closed his eyes tightly and let his bangs dropped to cover his face.  
  
I can't cry hard enough  
  
No I can't cry hard enough  
  
For you to hear me now…  
  
"What am I crying for?" Heero asks himself. "What a fool I am! Crying for the thing I've done! It's too late, you baka! Nothing you can cry about anymore. He's gone, and that's because of you…" Heero's hands went up to cover his face. He is blaming himself for being failed on one mission and Duo is gone because he was trying to save Heero from one stupid explosion.  
  
"Duo, why did you have to leave me? There are so many things I want to ask you. So many… Like now, tell me what am I feeling right now. I feel like some part of me is gone. You are my missing piece. Why am I so lonely? Why do I feel hurt inside?……." Heero stops and there's silence.  
  
"I think I…" Heero thinks "I…I…love him…I love Duo…" He discovers his feeling.  
  
Gonna look back in vain  
  
See you standing there  
  
When all that remains  
  
It's just an empty chair  
  
He regrets for what he's done. He knows it's pretty useless to regret a thing that's already happened. If someone asks him what would be his one and only wish to be granted, he'd wish that long braided baka to be back, to annoy him once more, but this time he'd kiss him instead of saying 'fuck off'. He'd go anywhere Duo wished him to go. He'd do anything to get that silly boy back.  
  
And now that you're gone  
  
I can't cry hard enough  
  
No I can't cry enough  
  
For you to hear me now…  
  
"What can I do? What can I do to make you come back? I…I…I miss you…I miss your loud laugh, I miss your gesture, I miss your annoyance, I miss your clumsy attitude, I miss you chestnut hair, I miss your violet eyes, and most of all, I miss your warm kiss.. Duo…tell me…what do I have to do? I'm suffering from losing you…"  
  
There it goes…  
  
Up in the sky  
  
There it goes…  
  
Beyond the clouds  
  
For no reason why  
  
Quatre who is worrying about Heero, steals a glance almost every second up to Heero's room. He's sad himself. He fainted when he heard about Duo's death, although Heero was just standing and staring at Duo's wounded body. He couldn't do nor say anything. He froze for a few moments and fell on his knees and stared into a blank space. Quatre is dead worried since he didn't hear anything from up there and it is almost the time for dinner. He could hear Wufei is knocking on Heero's door when Trowa approached him.  
  
"What is going on?" He put his hand on Quatre's shoulder while he's looking upstairs. Quatre shrugged not knowing what he should do. They both decided to approach Heero's room and try to get him out of there, not necessarily, just to get an answer from him, just to proof that he's all right.  
  
"Heero?" Wufei knocked. No answer. And the door is locked.  
  
Wufei is trying to break it. He kicked the door until it's collapsed. The door fell onto the floor. It is so dark that they can hardly see anything. When their eyes adjust to the dark, they realized something is wrong. The dark curtains blown by the wind and a ray of moonlight came in. In horror, Quatre gasped and throw himself to Trowa's embrace while Wufei is staring at Heero's lifeless body lying on the floor covered in fresh blood. He is tightly holding a Caliber on his right hand. Trowa silently can hear Quatre's voice;  
  
"Why, Heero? Why?"  
  
I can't cry hard enough  
  
No I can't cry hard enough  
  
For you to hear me now…  
  
-ooo- 


End file.
